


Still Hanging On

by Emerald_Ashes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A small touch of fluff, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, voltron season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 09:04:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15409599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Ashes/pseuds/Emerald_Ashes
Summary: Lance struggles after Shiro is revived, and is unable to fully shake the guilt still tormenting him.





	Still Hanging On

After the battle with Lotor, and the destruction of the Castle of Lions, the team needed a short break before they could even think of their return journey back to Earth. They had all taken some heavy blows mentally and physically. So they took the lions and headed to Olkarion. Mainly Shiro needed some time to recover; he was still pretty weak after being revived, but at least he was stable.

Despite Olkarion being taken over by the Galra plant virus only a short time ago, they were well on their way to being done with the repairs. Ryner greeted them warmly, and supplied them each with rooms to rest in. They were given a wing close to the medical ward, where Shiro was taken immediately to be looked over a little more closely.

Without a looming threat hanging directly over their heads, everyone retreated away to find a distraction for themselves. Allura was off in the room she was given, and though Lance wanted to check on her, he knew she needed time to process. She had just been betrayed and lost the only home she had ever known all in a matter of hours. It was a lot for anyone to handle.

Lance retreated to his own room as well, throwing himself onto the large bed. He needed to try and get his mind to settle down and organize his thoughts. Now that he actually had time to think, though, he couldn’t fully relax. Hours went by while he flopped around on the mattress restlessly. He was actually still trying to wrap his mind around everything. Especially Shiro. It made his heart hurt, panging painfully in his chest when he thought of all the things Keith divulged to them. And if he had pressed a little harder, checked in on Shiro more, maybe… maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he could have helped prevent it. Instead, he had just been oblivious.

The bed underneath him suddenly felt too soft, like it was going to turn into quicksand and swallow him whole. He got up, rather quickly, and paced about the room trying to shake out the jitters that were threatening to overwhelm him.

“You’re okay,” he whispered out loud to himself. Sometimes hearing the words spoken aloud helped to keep him calm. Yet, his mind kept circling back to the same thing.

 _If only you had been more observant. If only you hadn’t been so selfish,_ the thoughts pressed at his brain, mocking him.

Without even realizing what he was doing, Lance found himself out in the hall a moment later, padding down the corridor barefoot. The intrusive thoughts wouldn’t let him be, however. They followed him no matter how quickly he walked, like lightning in a thunderstorm.

 _Shiro wouldn’t have suffered. Allura wouldn’t have lost her home_. _Keith wouldn’t have had to fight his family._

The thoughts trailed after him echoing in his mind in time with each footstep on the wood floors. “ _You are to blame. You are guilty._ ”

No. No. No. No!

Lance took in a deep breath, and steadied himself against the wall. He tried again, but it just seemed to get caught in his throat turning into a strangled gasp. And another, and another, until suddenly there was no air. He couldn’t breathe!

Both of his palms pressed flat to the wall, head ducked down slightly, and his vision was swimming. He couldn’t move, and couldn’t think. He was frozen in place. To him, it felt like the day the castle lost power in their trip to find Oriande. Where did all the air go?

“Hey, hey, Lance,” a hand was suddenly on his back, and one on his shoulder. “Come on, sit down here with me. You need to breathe.” Lance was turned about and lowered to sit on the floor, the strange hands guiding him down. “Deep breaths, I know you can do it.”

But he couldn’t follow that simple command.

“You’re going to hyperventilate at this rate,” the voice said sounding both worried and exasperated. “Come on, listen to me. Breathe.”

He tried to follow the coaching, focusing solely on the familiar voice. “Come on, that’s it. Deep breath in. And now out. Follow me,” He could hear the other person’s exaggerated breaths. Lance latched onto the command and forced himself to focus only on that. For the longest time, he just sat there breathing. In and out, in and out, until it became a mantra.

After a while, once he seemed to be able to breathe normally on his own, the person he was leaning into asked, “Are you feeling any better?”

Now he could put a face to the voice. He looked to his right, and found Keith, worry etched on his face. His arm was still draped over Lance’s shoulders, and Lance at this point was slumped into his side. Lance hadn’t been this close to Keith since he returned. It was such a random thought to pop into his head, but even though he had seen it upon his arrival, Lance could tell Keith was bigger than him now. Older. It just seemed so much more obvious up close like this.

“When…when did you get so big?” Lance muttered without even thinking.

Keith laughed, a nice soft sound. “I told you time was different where I was. Two years went by.”

“I’m two years behind you now?” Lance said, there was no fire to his words though.

Keith sighed. “It’s not a competition, Lance. Besides it's not like those two years were exactly easy.”

“I know,” Lance replied. “I know it’s not a competition, t-that’s not what I meant. But you were with Krolia the whole time, right?”

“Yeah.”

“At least you were able to spend time with your mom,” Lance said quietly. “It’s… it’s good to have you back. You were missed.”

“I missed everyone, too,” Keith smiled fondly, and Lance noticed he hadn’t let go of him yet. Not that he really minded. The contact was nice, but the Keith from before probably wouldn’t have stuck around as long.

“Hey, what got you so freaked out?” Keith asked after a few more silent moments passed. It was a gentle question.

Lance squirmed a bit in his spot. He wasn’t sure where to start, or what he wanted to reveal to Keith. Would he blame him, too? So he answered, “I don’t know.”

Lance pulled away from Keith, and went to stand up. He struggled a bit to get his legs to support him. His body weary from the panic attack, but Keith had bounced up right beside him, and grabbed onto Lance’s bicep to support him.

Lance looked up and down the hall. Not quite sure what direction he had come from in his panic.

“We’re in the medical wing,” Keith supplied. “Shiro’s room is two doors down. I heard a noise when I was there, and came out to find you.”

Oh. Had Lance unconsciously brought himself here?

“Is… is Shiro doing okay?” Lance asked, his voice weak and hesitant.

“Do you want to go see him?” Keith took a step in that direction.

Truthfully, Lance wasn’t all that sure he did, but Lance nodded tentatively and followed Keith down the hall. He hadn’t seen Shiro since they landed. It had only been about half a day, but he was still worried about him. Yet the thoughts that plagued him before were starting to pop back up again. Shiro wouldn’t be in this position if he had figured out what was wrong sooner.

Keith opened the door, and he could immediately see Shiro resting in the large bed. The room was peaceful. The window overlooked the forests outside, even though it was nighttime, there was a soft glow from the trees outside like fireflies were amongst them. The room light was low, but they could see well enough. Keith’s wolf was laying calmly on the floor at the foot of the bed. It opened an eye at them entering but otherwise did not move.

Seeing Shiro stirred those negative feelings inside of Lance once more. He took a step backward, but Keith’s hand had made it down to the small of his back, and instead prompted him forward.

Lance could feel any semblance of control of his emotions starting to shatter. Shiro looked so… broken, and exhausted. Lance felt tears well up in his eyes. He wanted to collapse to the floor when he saw Shiro. His white hair such a stark contrast to his dark hair before. Just another symbol of how much he had suffered. Shiro didn’t deserve this.

He could feel the tears in his eyes threatening to overflow, and he choked on a sob. This was all his fault.

“Why… why are you crying?” Keith asked, quietly but perplexed. “He’s okay, you know.”

That was a good question, why was he crying? He wasn’t sure. There seemed to be so many reasons. The insurmountable guilt eating away at him, for one thing. The Shiro that was a clone was gone, and he he was mourning for that person. The clone, despite being a creation of the Galra, still had all of Shiro’s memories and he had endured so much, too. Clone Shiro had tried to warn Lance to the best of his abilities, how he didn’t feel like himself. Real Shiro had tried to warn Lance from inside the Black Lion as well, and he couldn’t see any of it. He didn’t act.

Another muffled sob escaped him as he covered his mouth with his hand to try and stifle the sound. He was crying harder; heavy trails of tears making their way down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Lance wept. He felt numb, his whole body trembling.

How much must it have hurt Shiro to see that he had been cloned, and someone else was running around with his face and memories? The other Shiro, the clone one, didn’t deserve the fate he was dealt either. Lance knew everything up until the end he felt had to be genuine. But then he was manipulated in the harshest way, made to do things he had no control over, and essentially he died. He was gone. It was all such a mess. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. It was all sad, and terrible.

“Come here,” Keith tugged Lance’s hand softly. He pulled him over to one of the two chairs by Shiro’s bedside and pushed him down into the seat.

“N-no, I can’t… I don’t…” he fumbled dumbly for words. He didn’t deserve to be near Shiro. He had failed him in so many ways. Failed the Shiro that they started their journey with. And failed the clone…his other Shiro, who was real and alive and had feelings. Shiro’s clone had tried to reach out to warn them and he couldn’t see the clues in front of him. He could have spared all this hurt if he had just been able to grasp what was sitting right in front of them. Lance tried to stand and leave but Keith stopped him.

“It’s okay,” he said simply. “I’m not sure what’s going through your head right now, but it’s all right for you to be here.”

“It’s… It’s not fair.” Lance muttered after a few moments of silence. It was a broken whisper. “The clone. Our original Shiro. It’s all so unfair. They didn’t—he didn’t—deserve any of it. If only I…”

Keith looked surprised. “That’s what you’ve been worrying about? Lance, you can’t blame yourself for any of this. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. I didn’t see anything wrong either.”

“But you weren’t here!” Lance snapped. And Keith looked like he had been struck, which made Lance immediately regret his words. “Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I meant you weren’t around to see the signs. There was this weird Voltron mind-space thing. Shiro tried to speak to me from the Black Lion. And there were signs that clone Shiro,” it felt wrong to keep calling him that because he felt more than something like that word suggested. He had been his own person, after all. “The other Shiro, there were signs he was in trouble. We just… I just couldn’t see it enough to help, and then it was too late. And that Shiro is… is g-gone”

He buried his face in his hands, and bent over so his forehead was practically touching his knees. Would Shiro even forgive him for everything that had happened?

“Lance,” Shiro called softly, his voice laced with sleep. Lance quickly looked up at him not expecting him to wake. He looked so tired, but he still had a soft smile, and his eyes were warm. A hand was suddenly resting in his hair, gently ruffling it. “Why are you crying?”

“S-Shiro? I’m sorry, so so sorry.”

He still looked exhausted, but his light smile didn’t waver. “Lance, about what? None of this is your fault. Stop blaming yourself.”

Lance shook his head. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew. I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

Shiro grabbed his hand and squeezed it. Lance felt like his heart was going to explode in his chest from the mounting anxiety, and his whole body felt numb.

“I do know.”

Lance just gawked at Shiro. What was that supposed to mean?

“I know. What’s happened, and what’s going on. My memories, and… his memories, they’re still here. Strange as it is. Some of it is hazy, but I know what you’ve done for me. Everything’s going to be okay, Lance.”

How could he say that so easily? After everything. Somehow, it just felt like the truth even though so much had happened. Even though things hadn’t been okay for a long while now. Lance was so worried for him, yet here he was being comforted by probably the two people that needed comforting the most. How stupid.

“I’m sorry. This… this is dumb. I don’t know why I’m crying,” Lance said through shaky, broken breaths. He was trying to get himself to actually stop crying, but it was hard. He wiped tears away from his face with the heel of his hand.

“It’s all right to cry. But you don’t have to carry blame around with you too. Just knowing you care so much is enough. Thank you, Lance.”

“F-for what?”

“For caring,” Shiro smiled.

It didn’t make everything instantly better, but those words helped get rid of some of the guilt gnawing away at his insides. He glanced sideways at Keith who was quietly observing everything. And he gently smiled at Lance, too, when he caught his eye.

Lance hiccupped from the crying, but managed a small laugh. “Keith?” Lance asked.

“Yeah?”

“Are you doing all right?”

Keith chuckled, “I’m fine. Thanks.”

“That’s good.”

He felt so wrung out now with the way his emotions were overwhelming him. The panic attack that he had in the hall made him feel like he was not fully connected to the world around him. His skin still kind of tingled in an uncomfortable way. He bent over and rested his forehead on the edge of the mattress.

Shiro had been through so much, but he shared his clone’s memories now as well? That would be something they would have to discuss later, but maybe the Shiro that had been with them for the past few months, wasn’t completely gone after all. Lance couldn’t really wrap his mind around it. He didn’t want to ignore it, but his brain was starting to feel fuzzy, and unable to process any more information.

He wanted to sleep. He still had Shiro’s hand in his, and held on to it. Keith’s hand then made it’s way to Lance’s shoulder.

“Do you want me to bring you back to your room?”

The quick answer was no. Lance didn’t want to be alone, but he needed to sleep. He was crashing, and his body needed a chance to recover from his panic attack.

“You can stay,” Shiro offered. He looked like he was going to fall back asleep soon too. “The bed is big enough.”

“Are… are you sure?” Lance asked.

“Mm-hm, yeah,” Shiro muttered softly.

Lance stood up with Keith’s assistance and walked over to the other side of the bed. He carefully climbed onto the mattress and tucked himself near Shiro. His body finally released some of the tension that he had been holding in his shoulders and back. He could slowly feel himself starting to relax.

After a minute, Lance whispered. “I missed both of you.” But it was the last thing he remembered before drifting off.

Later, he would see the picture Coran had managed to snap when he came to check in. Lance curled into Shiro’s side and Keith passed out over the bed from the chair he was perched in with Shiro in the middle of the two of them. Finally able to gain a small moment of peace. While things had been rough going, and they still had a ways to go, for once Lance believed things were going to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this the same day I watched season 6, but kept putting it off. It's a bit self-indulgent, and I really hope they don't feel too out of character. But this is just something I wanted to see. Lance was so very upset at the end of the last episode (which honestly I loved seeing) but this fic is essentially a result of that scene.


End file.
